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July 10, 2021

Goodbye

top view of a person holding a cup of coffee on a wooden surface
Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev on Pexels.com

This piece samples song lyrics from Taylor Swift’s Begin Again to highlight the feelings of one of my life events. I do not own the lyrics.

Took a deep breath in the mirror
She didn’t like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
She always said she didn’t get this song
But I do, I do

I stood looking in the mirror at my cosplay. You were on the bed behind me cross-legged and excited to see how it had turned out. We’re listening to “Girlfriend,” by Avril Levine, and I can’t help but think how it describes no only you, but me. Switch a few pronouns around and we’re singing about how we hate both of their boyfriends.

Walked in expecting you’d be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don’t know how nice that is
But I do

It’s been a month, but incidents keep coming up. And she weighs on my mind drawing me into slight insanity. She used to be like you. Full of life and laughter. She blames me for the loss of her innocence, but I will always blame him.

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause she never did
I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

I like how you’re still innocent. Not in the traditional way… but you haven’t let life break you yet despite what you’ve been through. She’s had a good life compared to yours and she let little things break her. She hasn’t been innocent for quite a long time. It’s been 12 months since she met him and 8 since she started pulling away. At what cost did she leave?

You said you never met one girl
Who had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don’t know why
I’m coming off a little shy
But I do

I’m not good at letting people in anymore. No one knows how to handle my change in personality. But you didn’t know me when I was more alive, and you get it. For now that’s enough… someone who gets it.

But you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’cause she never did

I’ve been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

She could never wing my eyeliner like you do. She hated makeup and nail polish. And as you sit on the floor with me and paint my face we laugh in a way I used to with her. The difference is we have more in common… and you’ll always be better at boosting my self-esteem.

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought her up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I want to talk about that
And for the first time what’s past is past

When I met you, I wanted to protect you like I did her. But I’m realizing you’re not a replacement, because you protect me more than she ever could. He can’t take your strength like he did hers. You’re ultimately more brave… I wish I had realized I was trying to fix something too shattered before I got shattered myself.

‘Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny ’causes he never did
I’ve been spending the last eight months

She told me she loved me… a week before she started dating him. She told me she’d never leave, but so didn’t so many others. I know you’ll leave, but that might be okay. I tend to drain people and break them. I just hope you find someone better than she did to fix you.

Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

Every time I see her, I watch the light drain from her eyes…

But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

… I pray yours stay full of life.

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